Medically Reviewed By

Brittany Kowalski, LCSW, ACS, CCS

Clinical Director, Speranza Behavioral Health · Last clinically reviewed June 2026

How to Talk to Someone About Getting Help for Addiction

There may be no harder conversation in family life than confronting someone you love about their addiction. You're afraid of pushing them away. You're not sure they'll listen. You've maybe tried before and it didn't go well. You don't know if you have the right words — or if any words will be enough.

These fears are valid. But the research is clear: a compassionate, well-prepared conversation significantly increases the likelihood that a person will seek help. This guide gives you the practical tools to have that conversation in a way that opens doors rather than closing them.

Before the Conversation: Preparing Yourself

Educate Yourself First

Understanding addiction as a chronic brain disorder — not a moral failure or character weakness — will fundamentally change how you approach the conversation. When you lead with judgment, the person you're trying to help becomes defensive. When you lead with understanding, they're more likely to lower their guard.

Key insight: People in active addiction are not "choosing" to hurt their families. Their brain's executive function, impulse control, and decision-making are genuinely impaired by the neurological effects of the substance. This doesn't excuse behavior — but it does explain it, and it informs the most effective approach.

Check Your Own Emotional State

Don't have this conversation when you're angry, scared, or emotionally flooded. Choose a moment when you are calm, centered, and genuinely coming from a place of love and concern rather than frustration and accusation.

Research Treatment Options in Advance

Having specific, concrete treatment options ready removes a major barrier. If your loved one says "yes" — you need to be ready. Call Speranza Behavioral Health at (866) 814-0126 beforehand to discuss options, verify insurance, and understand the intake process so you're prepared.

Choosing the Right Moment

Timing is everything. Choose a moment when your loved one is:

• Sober — Not high, not in withdrawal, not in the immediate aftermath of a binge
• Relatively calm — Not in the middle of an argument or a crisis
• Not rushed — When there's time for a real conversation
• In a private, comfortable space — Not in front of other people

The best moments are often quiet, low-stress times — a morning at home, after dinner, during a calm one-on-one.

What to Say: A Framework

Start With Love, Not Accusation

Open by expressing your love and your concern — not by listing everything they've done wrong. The goal is for them to feel seen, not attacked.

Example opening: "I love you and I'm genuinely scared about what I'm seeing. I'm not here to fight with you — I'm here because I care about you and I'm worried about your health and safety."

Use "I" Statements, Not "You" Accusations

"You" statements immediately trigger defensiveness. "I" statements keep the focus on your experience and your concern.

• ❌ "You have a drinking problem and it's destroying our family."
• ✅ "I've noticed that you seem to be drinking more, and I've been scared and sad watching what's been happening. I miss you."

Be Specific and Factual — Not General

Vague statements are easy to dismiss. Specific observations are harder to deny.

• ❌ "You're always drunk."
• ✅ "Three times in the past two weeks I've come home and found you asleep on the couch with an empty bottle. Last Tuesday you missed Tommy's school play and didn't remember it the next morning."

Express What You Want — Not What You're Threatening

Avoid ultimatums unless you're genuinely prepared to follow through on them. Instead, express what you're hoping for:

*"What I want more than anything is to see you healthy and present. I've been researching some treatment options that I'd like to tell you about — will you let me share what I found?"

What NOT to Say

• "You're doing this on purpose." Addiction is not intentional — this dismisses the illness and invites defensiveness.
• "If you loved us, you'd stop." Addiction impairs the ability to stop, regardless of how much someone loves their family.
• "I've tried to help you and you don't want to get better." This shuts the door on further conversation.
• "You're going to die if you don't stop." Even if true, fear-based ultimatums rarely motivate action — they more often lead to shame and withdrawal.
• Anything said in front of others without prior agreement — public confrontations rarely work and often create deeper shame.

If They Say No

It's likely — especially in a first conversation — that your loved one will deny there's a problem, minimize it, or refuse to consider treatment. This is not failure. This is normal.

What to do:

• Don't argue, but don't retreat from your concern: "I understand you see it differently. I want you to know that I'm here, I love you, and this conversation isn't over for me."
• Plant the seed. Research shows that people often need multiple conversations, multiple relationships reaching out, before they're ready. Your conversation matters even if they're not ready today.
• Consider a professional intervention — CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) or ARISE interventions, facilitated by trained professionals, significantly increase treatment entry rates.
• Get support for yourself — Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and family therapy at Speranza can help you navigate this with your own mental health intact.

When It's an Emergency

If your loved one is in immediate danger — overdosing, suicidal, or in a mental health crisis — call 911. If they are intoxicated but not in immediate danger but you're frightened, you can also call us directly at (866) 814-0126 — our clinical team can help you assess the situation and determine the right next step, including whether an emergency intervention is warranted.

We Can Help You Navigate This

Families navigating a loved one's addiction don't have to figure this out alone. Speranza Behavioral Health in Woodbury, NJ offers free family consultations — including guidance on how to approach this conversation and how to coordinate care when your loved one is ready.

Call (866) 814-0126 anytime, day or night.

Related Reading:

• 10 Signs Your Loved One Is Struggling With Addiction
• What to Do If My Spouse Has a Drinking Problem
• What to Look For in a Local Addiction Treatment Program

About the Author

Brittany Kowalski

Brittany Kowalski is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and behavioral health advocate at Speranza Behavioral Health in Woodbury, NJ. With over a decade of experience in addiction recovery and mental health treatment, she specializes in dual diagnosis care, trauma-informed therapy, and evidence-based outpatient programs serving South Jersey communities.